Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
