I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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