That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
