Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
