I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
