Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
