Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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