you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
wow bdsm is so cute
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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