I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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