i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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