These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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