Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
