did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
