Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
