They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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