I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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