He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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