my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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