You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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