I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
