Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
