I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
