Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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