Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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