Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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