all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
