The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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