I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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