I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
