I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize