It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
