I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
