Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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