We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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