Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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