i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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