I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
