The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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