You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
