In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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