do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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