shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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