Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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