I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize