I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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