We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
