Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We had to coat check the pizza.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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