What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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