just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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