Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
