okay pat passed out under dana's car
your room smells of hookers.
And success
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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