i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
