my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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