some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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