Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
