I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
