I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
