Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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