I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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