alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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