Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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