Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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