What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
