M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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