Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
