i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
